Saturday, November 24, 2012

Please don't tell Joe

Last nights enlightening conversation - although one sided:

I cannot believe Fringe isn't on tonight!

Charlie Brown is on!

You know, I never did like Charlie Brown!
Who even likes Charlie Brown?

They shouldn't call him Charlie Brown, they should call him Sad Sack!

(Under his breath) Fucking Charlie Browns on...

Personally I love the Peanuts specials...
Please don't tell Joe

Friday, November 23, 2012

Watch Out For His High Beams!

Well, I'm here to tell you that the annual tradition has continued again this year.

What is that you ask?

Here is the background: Joe has a large Toyota Tundra that rides pretty high. If you are in front of him, the lights shine high in your rear-view mirror. Especially if you are in a low-riding car.

Now (Lucky me!) every year someone coming home from my mother's Thanksgiving extravaganza on the highway driving in front of him gets mad, slows down, lets Joe pass, he gets in front of them and they put on their high beams.

CRAP... here we go again...

Joe then gets furious, slows down, lets them pass, gets behind them and puts on his high beams.

This then lights up the entire interior of their car and Joe in an elated tone says, "How do you like that asshole?! Now you are lit up just like it was daylight! How is that for you?".

He then explains to me how he is an equal opportunity hater. He hates everyone.

Thank you Mr. car driver...
Thank you for making sure our holiday is once again complete.


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thankful this Thanksgiving!

Humbled again!
What a wonderful feeling I have today!

I had an amazing and wonderful day today with my family!

I am not used to wonderful days with the whole family and if any of 'you' read this I am sorry to admit it out loud.

I am usually left feeling inadequate or judged or sad or angry. This year I am feeling incredible love. My heart is so much more full than my stomach!

It started yesterday. We had our annual Thanksgiving luncheon at work. It was delicious and our GM Frank did a great job with the food!

After work I stopped in to see a great long time friend I haven't seen in years and I am so in love with her and our friendship!

Then I went to my Mom's to help prep for today's meal.

WHAT A MEAL THAT WAS! My mother is a genius and a saint in the kitchen for Thanksgiving Day! She does this craziness all for us... every year... I love you so much Mom!

We then played our annual 'Dirty Bingo' and it is not X-Rated so don't even go there! Each player brings a wrapped gift, usually a gag gift or something small from the dollar store, and picks 3 numbers. The bingo caller (ME!) calls one number at a time and that person picks a gift from the pile. Once all the gifts are gone from the pile, when your number is called you then steal gifts from each other until all of the numbers are called. If you are lucky enough to have a gift(s) at the end they are yours. Believe it or not, adults and kids have a ball with this game!

Then, Mom makes sure there is some kind of craft for the kids and this year they colored wooden ornaments with markers to hang on their trees.

But besides all of the planned activities, the best of all was having Aunt Eileen and Chad with us. They drove all of the way out to be with us and they are the ones with the most responsibility at home with the horse farm and most of all have had the most loss this year with the death of Uncle Pete. The sadness and fatigue in their eyes was almost too much to bear, but as the day went on, they seemed to have a good day too and there was even a little sparkle in Aunt Eileen's eyes.

The sparkle in her eyes is one of the most beautiful things you will ever see.


Monday, November 19, 2012

Everybody knows the sound of Jennifer falling down...

Although this story is about 15 years old, it is still one of my favorite OMG stories... about myself.

I fall down, a lot, but not as much as I used to. Honestly, I have ear issues but I think this is this life knocking me down to learn some lesson from another lifetime.

So, at that time I was working for this small family company. The factory and warehouse was downstairs and the offices were upstairs in what looked like and was set up like a large house. A very large house...

The stairs to the offices were carpeted with this thick padded blue carpet and at the bottom of the stairs was this huge solid oak door. Right at the bottom, no landing.

I was wearing a summer dress with strappy sandals. Slippery bottomed strappy sandals...

Oh yes, you know what's coming...

I was going down the stairs and about half way down I slipped. Head over foot ROLLING down the stairs, not just a little bump-bump down on my ass. I hit the door right on my forehead. UPSIDE DOWN!

All of my co-workers heard the loud thud of my head, looked over the banister only to find my dress over my head and my ass in the air! Most.Embarrasing.Work.Moment.Ever!

They were all laughing and not one asked if I was alright until they saw the blood. I miss those people!

Thank gawd I am so old that this was pre-thong era or I would have walked out of there and never came back!

I lost a good amount of skin on my knee, shoulder and forehead. I got a HUGE lump on my forehead that held a bruise forever.

I also got a big cup of humility.

I think that is why I am on the planet this time. To learn humility in some shape or form almost every day of my life. Can you imagine what I did to deserve this?! Seriously!

Everybody knows the sound of Jennifer falling down...

Per usual... I've got nothing...

ME: I need some material, tell me a funny story.

JOE: I don't know...
Shit just has to come to me, I can't just conjure things up.
That's just how I operate.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Turkey Talk

JOE: "I wonder why turkey is so much cheaper than chicken?

I mean really, people only make turkey once a year, Thanksgiving.
Ok, maybe twice with Christmas.
Oh and Easter.

I mean, people only make turkey maybe three times a year.

You would think they would charge more for turkey because they don't sell it as often.
Don't you agree? I mean, fuck....

Do you ever hear anyone say, come on over for dinner. We're having turkey.

No, no you don't."

And you all wonder why I'm crazy...

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


I haven't been writing much lately because I haven't been feeling the best. Physically had a sinus infection which always trickles down to mental and emotional 'sick'. I know, poor boo-hoo baby. I hate being sick so bad!

But, finally there is light at the end of this mucus tunnel!

On another note, I just wanted to throw out a few things that have taken up space in my head.

1. Like on Sunday, I went to a 'purse party' with a friend which is hot purses sold at ridiculous prices. All kinds and I bought a Coach. Hot purses, hot boots, hot jewelry. So crazy! The women there were all just pawing and pulling out purses from plastic bins. So, afterward my friend and I went to have a late lunch and drinks. She looses her filter when she drinks and it's so funny! She orders this Jameson and peach drink in a PINT glass. Half way through it a group of over 70 year olds (guessing) came in and passed our table. She says loud as life, "I see old people! Are they real?" (Insert Snort-Laughter from me Here. Have you noticed I snort a lot?).

2. We are getting a new vinyl fence put in and it is BEAUTIFUL! I am so happy I could cry! So, I tell my boss about it and she doesn't ask about the fence... Oh no, she wants to know if any of the workers are hot! I am embarrased to say I didn't notice. Is this what 40 does to me? How sad!

3. As you can tell, I've got nothing... just ramble... but, today's word is KNICKERS! Just saying...

Enough for now I guess. Stay tuned for more ramble to come...

Monday, November 5, 2012

Best. TV. Night. Ever!

So last night while watching AFV Joe went on a frenzy because the three videos were not funny enough to him to win the $10,000 prize. Mind you, this is a 'feel good' show and my husband is yelling at the television! Seriously! (So freaking funny!)

The first video was a man being all-manly filming a workout video with one of those resistance bands with handles. He lost his grip on one of the handles and it snapped back and hit him in the groin. (Like every other video where someone gets it in the groin or in the head. I laugh harder when they get hit in the head. Why is that?)

JOE : Ok, that's funny.

The second was a mother telling her little boy to kiss a cow. The cow had his head in a water bucket. The cow then licked the kid right across the face. The kids mouth was open and everything. So gross!

JOE : Why would anyone tell their kid to do that? What are they, stupid? That is just stupid!

The third was a very elderly woman over excited (laughing and clapping) about hearing news of a great-grandchild-to-be.

JOE : What the hell? That isn't funny! What is so funny about that?

ME : Turn it down a little. There is no reason to get that upset.

JOE : That is why I hate this show! Because of stupid shit like that!

ME : Calm down...

JOE : NO! This is ridiculous!

ME: (Really trying not to laugh but not succeeding and getting a look-of-death from Joe)

The elderly woman won... uggghhh

JOE : This is America's Funniest Videos! Not I feel sorry for the fucking old lady!

ME : She is so cute and I'm sure she needs the money.


ME: (Laughing so hard I had to run out of the room to go to the bathroom! I think I peed my pants a little!)


I hate to admit it, but he is right. It wasn't funny at all... the old lady video that is... Thank the goddess the show is over -- I would hate for his blood pressure to go any higher!

Best. TV. Night. Ever!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Check Your Head!

I looked at a Jack LaLane Juicer recently and I also heard from a friend of a friend (true story!) on FaceBook that it is hard to clean. This is how the conversation went:

ME: I heard that the Jack Lalane was hard to kill.

JOE: What???

ME: I mean clean -- clean the Jack LaLane (laughing).

JOE: Yeah, he was hard to kill too. What was he, 94?

ME: (still laughing and now snorting)

JOE: Oh jeez...

Moral of this story, check your head before you talk. CHECK YOUR HEAD!