Thursday, December 20, 2012

Trust me... I am NOT racist!

So, for those of you who do not know this, I was married once before Joe.

On our honeymoon to Cancun we went shopping in downtown Cancun where all the small shops are where you can barter (it is actually preferred!) and I was looking for GECKO earrings.

Ok, so if you know me, you know that I can be extra stupid sometimes. Hense my story...

We are shopping and I am looking at earrings. This male shop-keeper comes up to me and asks me 'what-cho wand?' ('what do you want' is the meaning I think)and I very loudly and animated say 'I want GRINGO earrings!'

This fine mexican gentleman says 'YYYEEESSS' with a huge smile but doesn't move or try to help me.

I then say, 'GRINGO EARRINGS!'... 'YYYEEESSS' he says. Now I am starting to get frustrated that he is laughing at me and not helping me at all.

This happens at least 10,000 times more before my newlywed husband tells me what I am doing... UGGGGGGG!!!!!

I didn't buy any earrings that day.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Reality Bites

I just watched the movie "Reality Bites" from 1994 and remember the first time I watched it and how it made perfect sense to me. And now realizing that it still does and that SCARES me!

How I was the same age as Winona Ryder's character Lelaina Pierce was and feeling like she did,

"Lelaina Pierce: I was really going to be somebody by the time I was 23.
Troy Dyer: Honey, all you have to be by the time you're 23 is yourself.
Lelaina Pierce: I don't know who that is anymore.
Troy Dyer: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again, but I love her."

Here I am now 40 years old and I am still there in my mind sometimes... only now I am on anti-depressants and other medications for my anxiety and everything else.

I wonder how many of 'us' are still there sometimes and maybe this has something to do with why we are who we are. Maybe that gives it some definition.

Now we have cars and houses, worry about bills and dependents. How are we supposed to be ok? Really ok? Nothing made sense then, does it really make sense now? I'm not sure.

I sit here thinking about this now waiting for my new refrigerator to be delivered because I really wanted an ice maker. AN ICE MAKER! I cannot believe how much changes and how much stays the same... and how ridiculous an ice maker is.

I know I am over-thinking it, I know that I deserve things that I have worked hard for and I know that I have grown from that girl that first watched "Reality Bites". But she is still there...

"Lelaina Pierce: I just don't understand why things just can't go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy Dyer: Well, 'cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don't turn out like that."

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Please don't tell Joe

Last nights enlightening conversation - although one sided:

I cannot believe Fringe isn't on tonight!

Charlie Brown is on!

You know, I never did like Charlie Brown!
Who even likes Charlie Brown?

They shouldn't call him Charlie Brown, they should call him Sad Sack!

(Under his breath) Fucking Charlie Browns on...

Personally I love the Peanuts specials...
Please don't tell Joe

Friday, November 23, 2012

Watch Out For His High Beams!

Well, I'm here to tell you that the annual tradition has continued again this year.

What is that you ask?

Here is the background: Joe has a large Toyota Tundra that rides pretty high. If you are in front of him, the lights shine high in your rear-view mirror. Especially if you are in a low-riding car.

Now (Lucky me!) every year someone coming home from my mother's Thanksgiving extravaganza on the highway driving in front of him gets mad, slows down, lets Joe pass, he gets in front of them and they put on their high beams.

CRAP... here we go again...

Joe then gets furious, slows down, lets them pass, gets behind them and puts on his high beams.

This then lights up the entire interior of their car and Joe in an elated tone says, "How do you like that asshole?! Now you are lit up just like it was daylight! How is that for you?".

He then explains to me how he is an equal opportunity hater. He hates everyone.

Thank you Mr. car driver...
Thank you for making sure our holiday is once again complete.


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thankful this Thanksgiving!

Humbled again!
What a wonderful feeling I have today!

I had an amazing and wonderful day today with my family!

I am not used to wonderful days with the whole family and if any of 'you' read this I am sorry to admit it out loud.

I am usually left feeling inadequate or judged or sad or angry. This year I am feeling incredible love. My heart is so much more full than my stomach!

It started yesterday. We had our annual Thanksgiving luncheon at work. It was delicious and our GM Frank did a great job with the food!

After work I stopped in to see a great long time friend I haven't seen in years and I am so in love with her and our friendship!

Then I went to my Mom's to help prep for today's meal.

WHAT A MEAL THAT WAS! My mother is a genius and a saint in the kitchen for Thanksgiving Day! She does this craziness all for us... every year... I love you so much Mom!

We then played our annual 'Dirty Bingo' and it is not X-Rated so don't even go there! Each player brings a wrapped gift, usually a gag gift or something small from the dollar store, and picks 3 numbers. The bingo caller (ME!) calls one number at a time and that person picks a gift from the pile. Once all the gifts are gone from the pile, when your number is called you then steal gifts from each other until all of the numbers are called. If you are lucky enough to have a gift(s) at the end they are yours. Believe it or not, adults and kids have a ball with this game!

Then, Mom makes sure there is some kind of craft for the kids and this year they colored wooden ornaments with markers to hang on their trees.

But besides all of the planned activities, the best of all was having Aunt Eileen and Chad with us. They drove all of the way out to be with us and they are the ones with the most responsibility at home with the horse farm and most of all have had the most loss this year with the death of Uncle Pete. The sadness and fatigue in their eyes was almost too much to bear, but as the day went on, they seemed to have a good day too and there was even a little sparkle in Aunt Eileen's eyes.

The sparkle in her eyes is one of the most beautiful things you will ever see.


Monday, November 19, 2012

Everybody knows the sound of Jennifer falling down...

Although this story is about 15 years old, it is still one of my favorite OMG stories... about myself.

I fall down, a lot, but not as much as I used to. Honestly, I have ear issues but I think this is this life knocking me down to learn some lesson from another lifetime.

So, at that time I was working for this small family company. The factory and warehouse was downstairs and the offices were upstairs in what looked like and was set up like a large house. A very large house...

The stairs to the offices were carpeted with this thick padded blue carpet and at the bottom of the stairs was this huge solid oak door. Right at the bottom, no landing.

I was wearing a summer dress with strappy sandals. Slippery bottomed strappy sandals...

Oh yes, you know what's coming...

I was going down the stairs and about half way down I slipped. Head over foot ROLLING down the stairs, not just a little bump-bump down on my ass. I hit the door right on my forehead. UPSIDE DOWN!

All of my co-workers heard the loud thud of my head, looked over the banister only to find my dress over my head and my ass in the air! Most.Embarrasing.Work.Moment.Ever!

They were all laughing and not one asked if I was alright until they saw the blood. I miss those people!

Thank gawd I am so old that this was pre-thong era or I would have walked out of there and never came back!

I lost a good amount of skin on my knee, shoulder and forehead. I got a HUGE lump on my forehead that held a bruise forever.

I also got a big cup of humility.

I think that is why I am on the planet this time. To learn humility in some shape or form almost every day of my life. Can you imagine what I did to deserve this?! Seriously!

Everybody knows the sound of Jennifer falling down...

Per usual... I've got nothing...

ME: I need some material, tell me a funny story.

JOE: I don't know...
Shit just has to come to me, I can't just conjure things up.
That's just how I operate.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Turkey Talk

JOE: "I wonder why turkey is so much cheaper than chicken?

I mean really, people only make turkey once a year, Thanksgiving.
Ok, maybe twice with Christmas.
Oh and Easter.

I mean, people only make turkey maybe three times a year.

You would think they would charge more for turkey because they don't sell it as often.
Don't you agree? I mean, fuck....

Do you ever hear anyone say, come on over for dinner. We're having turkey.

No, no you don't."

And you all wonder why I'm crazy...

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


I haven't been writing much lately because I haven't been feeling the best. Physically had a sinus infection which always trickles down to mental and emotional 'sick'. I know, poor boo-hoo baby. I hate being sick so bad!

But, finally there is light at the end of this mucus tunnel!

On another note, I just wanted to throw out a few things that have taken up space in my head.

1. Like on Sunday, I went to a 'purse party' with a friend which is hot purses sold at ridiculous prices. All kinds and I bought a Coach. Hot purses, hot boots, hot jewelry. So crazy! The women there were all just pawing and pulling out purses from plastic bins. So, afterward my friend and I went to have a late lunch and drinks. She looses her filter when she drinks and it's so funny! She orders this Jameson and peach drink in a PINT glass. Half way through it a group of over 70 year olds (guessing) came in and passed our table. She says loud as life, "I see old people! Are they real?" (Insert Snort-Laughter from me Here. Have you noticed I snort a lot?).

2. We are getting a new vinyl fence put in and it is BEAUTIFUL! I am so happy I could cry! So, I tell my boss about it and she doesn't ask about the fence... Oh no, she wants to know if any of the workers are hot! I am embarrased to say I didn't notice. Is this what 40 does to me? How sad!

3. As you can tell, I've got nothing... just ramble... but, today's word is KNICKERS! Just saying...

Enough for now I guess. Stay tuned for more ramble to come...

Monday, November 5, 2012

Best. TV. Night. Ever!

So last night while watching AFV Joe went on a frenzy because the three videos were not funny enough to him to win the $10,000 prize. Mind you, this is a 'feel good' show and my husband is yelling at the television! Seriously! (So freaking funny!)

The first video was a man being all-manly filming a workout video with one of those resistance bands with handles. He lost his grip on one of the handles and it snapped back and hit him in the groin. (Like every other video where someone gets it in the groin or in the head. I laugh harder when they get hit in the head. Why is that?)

JOE : Ok, that's funny.

The second was a mother telling her little boy to kiss a cow. The cow had his head in a water bucket. The cow then licked the kid right across the face. The kids mouth was open and everything. So gross!

JOE : Why would anyone tell their kid to do that? What are they, stupid? That is just stupid!

The third was a very elderly woman over excited (laughing and clapping) about hearing news of a great-grandchild-to-be.

JOE : What the hell? That isn't funny! What is so funny about that?

ME : Turn it down a little. There is no reason to get that upset.

JOE : That is why I hate this show! Because of stupid shit like that!

ME : Calm down...

JOE : NO! This is ridiculous!

ME: (Really trying not to laugh but not succeeding and getting a look-of-death from Joe)

The elderly woman won... uggghhh

JOE : This is America's Funniest Videos! Not I feel sorry for the fucking old lady!

ME : She is so cute and I'm sure she needs the money.


ME: (Laughing so hard I had to run out of the room to go to the bathroom! I think I peed my pants a little!)


I hate to admit it, but he is right. It wasn't funny at all... the old lady video that is... Thank the goddess the show is over -- I would hate for his blood pressure to go any higher!

Best. TV. Night. Ever!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Check Your Head!

I looked at a Jack LaLane Juicer recently and I also heard from a friend of a friend (true story!) on FaceBook that it is hard to clean. This is how the conversation went:

ME: I heard that the Jack Lalane was hard to kill.

JOE: What???

ME: I mean clean -- clean the Jack LaLane (laughing).

JOE: Yeah, he was hard to kill too. What was he, 94?

ME: (still laughing and now snorting)

JOE: Oh jeez...

Moral of this story, check your head before you talk. CHECK YOUR HEAD!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Pete Anthony Alesky Jr.

Today is and will always be a day for the books.
We are burying a pillar member of our family today.

WARNING: If you cannot handle the truth about depression, STOP READING NOW!

If you live with depression everyday of your life you as well as I think of death every single day of our lives, although it is never of one that we love but ourselves.

Please bring all of the love and light you can to us today. Uncle Pete is gone and we will never be the same. I hope I can keep it together, I hope we all can. I will remember him as the man that was always there.

I've had 2 major surgeries, and a time with severe emotional trama. Who was there? Uncle Pete and Aunt Eileen. Every time I needed him, he was there.



We made it through the tough weekend together. Although Aunt Eileen has her children with her, I don't know how she really is. Please, pray for her to find strength and healing.

This was so sad in so many ways, but through the tears there was laughter with memories of Uncle Pete. As in life, his favorite saying is still with him, it is printed on his memory card. Enjoy this in memory of one fine cowboy!

"Life is hard; it's harder when you're stupid" ~ John Wayne

Monday, October 22, 2012

Counterfeit Ketchup in NJ

JOE: Did you hear they were selling fake ketchup in New Jersey?

ME: What?

JOE: Fake ketchup.

Me: What is fake ketchup?

JOE: I mean counterfeit ketchup.

ME: ???

JOE: Someone was putting cheap ketchup in Heinz bottles and selling it. Who thought of that? I mean why not mustard?

ME: OMG!!!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Did I ever tell you about the time I was arrested?

I was just sitting here thinking about the one and only time I was arrested.

It was 1992 and I was dating this guy and we will call him J1. His friend J2 comes to visit us and tells us he has tickets to the U2 ZooTV show in Miami on March 1st (the very next day). We are all too young to have any real money so we decided to drive from PA to FL to see this show.

Let me just say, at the time, I have never met anyone who was a bigger fan than the three of us, especially J1. I mean, he looked like Bono. With red hair... but still!! Amazing how he had the movements and the voice and everything down. Maybe that is why I fell in love with him. Trust me, I am still trying to figure that one out.

No one else knew we were going or that we left... No one...

We pile into J1's Nissan pick-up and there is only enough room for 2 in the front so I was in the bed of the truck with the cap on. For HOURS!

We finally arrive at the Miami arena the day of the show early in the day and decide to walk around and 'scope out' the area. After we were there for about an hour J2 decides to tell us that he really doesn't have tickets but he is sure we can scalp some. WHAT THE HELL ??? We just drove like 15 hours (me in the back bed for god's sake!) and this asshole doesn't have tickets? I still cannot swear enough at this!!!

Sure enough, this arrogant ass gets us tickets only after I have just about shit myself and was still in total shock.

While I am still in dire recovery, we are scoping out the arena then and decide to try to figure out where U2 would be entering and / or exiting the arena. You know, just in case we want to meet them...

So, we walk around, figure it all out in our heads where they will be and then finally we go in for the show. Which was AMAZING! I mean it! AMAZING! Did I mention that I am still waiting for Bono to come get me? It isn't a matter of 'IF', it is just a matter of 'WHEN'... Just saying...

Anyway, we walk out of arena after the show and go to the "secret location" where we are sure to have the most amazing moment of our lives! And wouldn't you know it... the arrogant ass (J2) was right again! I hated how he almost always was. He still makes me wrinkle my nose when I think about him... I hate that bastard... (Stay on track here! Sooooooo)

Where we were at the time was at the top looking down to a service / truck bay area. The only way to get there from where we were was to go down these long ramps with railings that reminds you of either the handicapped path from hell or the lines at an amusement part that you wait in line for 1-3 hours for a 4 minute ride on a lame roller coaster. They zig-zagged back and forth all the way down.

When we start seeing real movement down below with bodyguards and cameras flashing we KNEW our time had come!!!! Oh my freaking god! This is really going to happen!

So we all start hurdling over all of these railings (there had to be at least 100,000,000 of them, I swear!) and of course there is security coming behind us out of freaking NOWHERE! They morphed out of thin air like a video game or something! CRAZY SHIT! No kidding! This is one of many reasons I believe in the paranormal... really...

Of course, the girl is always caught first... Security got me by the waist and pummeled me like a linebacker would. Knocked the air out of me and I saw stars! Or maybe that was just Bono... I can't say for sure... Did I mention I have been in love with this man for 25 years??!!!

Next was J1. He had short legs and too long of a torso so he was never on the track team, that is for sure. They got him by the ankle as he was leaping and I still to this day cannot believe he didn't hit his head and go into a permanent coma.

J2 was sprinting and leaping and it was in slow-motion and he was going to make it! Really, he was right there! This guy is 6 foot something and was strong. He was always in trouble so running was second nature to him. That guy could run fast!

J2 gets all the way to the bottom and the security gets him by the leg... and he goes down... RIGHT IN FRONT OF BONO!!!!

Bono extends his beautiful hand and helps J2 stand up... Bono says something to J2... and then J2 is wrestled to the ground by the security guy. Half his size I must add! Hilarious to watch!

We all get round up and the Dade County Police come to arrest us. While we are all standing there against one of the cop cars waiting to be taken away to the county jail, I say to J2... 'What did Bono say to you?'... Tick, Tock (pun intented)... J2 says, 'I can't remember'... He can't remember? I kicked his ass (literally) and got yelled at by the cop standing with us. He really can't remember??? What in all things holy is wrong with this guy? I still haven't figured it out.

We get shipped off to the county jail. We spend the night there. J1 and J2 get to stick together and I am separated from them... because I am a girl. When with this stupid agony ever end... Anyway... Early the next morning we are released because Bono decided not to press charges, the county decided not to press charges, the arena decided not to press charges... I think they even had to ask Mother Theresa if she wanted to press charges and she too declined.

We were released and drove home. J1 and J2 in front with me (AGAIN) alone in the back...

... Left to relive this story over and over and over as the most amazing night of our lives ...

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Things you don't usually hear...

This past weekend my cousin and I went on a long-weekend vacation. We went to Newberg, NY on the Hudson River and did some great sightseeing and had some great fun at the first public soft-opening night of the OCC Cafe. Farrah and Scott are awesome! We will not forget you two anytime soon!

Besides all the fun we had there were some crazy funny things that were said and I have to just tell you I'm sure you had to be there but...

JUSTINE: I am listening to you, I really am but THERE IS MOTHER FUCKING STINK BUG ON MY PURSE!

ME: What? Stink bug? On your purse?

JUSTINE: LOOK! Get it off.

ME: (Rolled down the window in the car - yes, Justine was driving - and I flicked it off).

ME:  So anyway... (continued my story).

Half-hour later or so... I started laughing.

JUSTINE: What's so funny?

ME: "THERE IS A MOTHER FUCKING STINK BUG ON MY PURSE!" (followed by a deep-belly laugh and snorting).

JUSTINE: Well it took you long enough...

Let's just end this with she gets me.... She really gets me!

P.S. For another deep-belly laugh and snorting, listen to this (I love being a 40+ year old child!):
WARNING: Very childish and in no way mature... You have been warned!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

UPDATE: I'm not ashamed... of myself anyway...

UPDATE: Today is November 24th... I have not been contacted by "this person" yet.

I have heard from other family members (did I mention this was family? So much for blood is thicker than water...) that this person knows about this post.

I want you to know that I am saddened by this but I know that I am not wrong here.

I also have to say that I am not willing to let this go right now, if ever. Not until I receive an apology of any kind...


Recently I have gotten some feedback on my last post. It has been questioned why I have written about my depression, anxiety and bi-polar disorder. Why would I want to make this public?

Because it is part of me and I am not ashamed.

So here are some other things I am not ashamed of:

  1. I have blonde hair.
  2. I have blue eyes
  3. I am 5'8" tall
  4. I am 185 pounds (oh, is this one too much?)
  5. I am 40 years old.
  6. I am married.
  7. I have 2 dogs.
This list can continue and I am not ashamed of any of these things. In the same exact way am not I ashamed of my disorders. Should I be ashamed of any of these numbered things in your opinion? Of course not, so why should I hide anything else? Please, I am demanding your answer here.

The problem is not my disorders. The problem is ignorance. This is not taboo, it is real folks. Many people would be better in social situations and in life-in-general if 'we' were not judged. 'We' don't deserve it. The more knowledge shared and understood would help us all coexist happily. We all have flaws and this is only one of my crosses-to-bear. I am one of millions! I will gladly give you all the information you need to understand anyway you are most comfortable. This would bring me nothing but respect for you to come forward with any issues you may have with me to me and not in criticism. Here is your open invitation to make this right.

I have said it before, I will say it again. I am awesome! And I am not ashamed!

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Full blown attack

Yesterday I had one of my famous full blown panic attacks. So, I guess that now it is time to tell you more about myself.

I suffer from depression, anxiety and am bi-polar. I live with this everyday and have since my early 20's. My evil twin as I call it rules my world no matter how hard I fight her. She takes over every waking moment of my life. The only way I control her is with my medications and that only numbs her a little. I will be speaking of her many times I know but I also know that she is part of me and I am still awesome!

So yesterday my best friend, who happens to be an amazing photographer and artist, and I did a photo shoot for women living with depression in a red dress. This is a gift for Ms. Jenny Lawson, Jenny has saved my life more times that I can count. Yes Ms. Lawson, you are a hero! If the rest of you do not read this blog, YOU MUST START NOW!

I got all dolled up. Hair, makeup, jewelry and the damned red dress. I borrowed this magnificent dress from a friend who graciously let me borrow it even though she never wore it. Brand new with tags and all. It didn't fit... Really?! After all my planning, it didn't fit. This put me in a full blown panic attack. I got cold and sweaty, got that white tunnel in my eyesight (If you know this, you know this!) and went to my knees. It was a short one because I had another only days before so I remembered to just breathe this time. After a panic attack, I usually am so tired all I want to do is sleep forever. That is the only place to have the calm that I crave. But, this time, I pushed through it because the last thing I want to do is disappoint my busy mother-of-three and oh-so-amazing friend, the photographer.

So, I turned in to a frantic, crying, inconsolable mess. Oh yes, so much better (insert my normal sarcasm here). My husband has sausage fingers so he couldn't even hook the clasp to hold the top of the dress up without zipping it up and as I explained, that was not going to happen. We couldn't find a pin ANYWHERE! Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm sure I will find at least a dozen today without even trying... But anyway, finally we just tucked the top in the back into my spanx. I love spanx...

Off I went and I DROVE in this state. I cannot believe Joe let me leave. I will have to talk to him about that later. More dangerous than a drunk. I picked up my friend and her son and off we went to the cemetery. Did I mention that I chose to do these "celebrate depression" pictures in a cemetery? Oh yes, you are now learning more about my humor....

My friends son is only 8. He has magic in him, this one! I went from manic, to sad, to smiling in just seconds with this little man around. I will write about him again later because this child gets me. He doesn't understand why I am who I am, but he knows when my twin is around and squashes her like the ugly bug she is. Amazing KID!

Long story short, the pictures are amazing. And Ms. Jenny Lawson, this is a gift for you, love.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Shit my husband says

Ok, First post. Better be a good one right?
Honestly, I've got shit....

So I am going to talk about my husband.
This guy is great. No...
This guy is awesome. No...
Well, he is these things sometimes but mostly I just look at him over the rim of my glasses and think WTF!
Let me explain.

Joe is a disabled Army veteran. Joe is a retired sergeant/corrections officer. Joe bought this house when he was too young to think it was cool. He is all things responsible and good and American. I haven't a clue what I want to be when I grow up. I am 40.

So, in his Army sergeant way, he is always on my case... until recently. Recently we are starting to understand each other and this is scary because he is starting to act in a way I understand and not vise versa.

He (on a whim) bought 1,000 rounds of ammunition today.
He is playing World of Warcraft right now.
He is laughing because he can't get a song out of his head.
Did I mention he bought 1,000 ROUNDS OF AMMUNITION!

I am looking at him like he has lost his mind! Maybe he has. I am worried I will have to crazy compete with him now.

Sucky post but I hope it will get better has time goes on.