Sunday, October 7, 2012

Full blown attack

Yesterday I had one of my famous full blown panic attacks. So, I guess that now it is time to tell you more about myself.

I suffer from depression, anxiety and am bi-polar. I live with this everyday and have since my early 20's. My evil twin as I call it rules my world no matter how hard I fight her. She takes over every waking moment of my life. The only way I control her is with my medications and that only numbs her a little. I will be speaking of her many times I know but I also know that she is part of me and I am still awesome!

So yesterday my best friend, who happens to be an amazing photographer and artist, and I did a photo shoot for women living with depression in a red dress. This is a gift for Ms. Jenny Lawson, Jenny has saved my life more times that I can count. Yes Ms. Lawson, you are a hero! If the rest of you do not read this blog, YOU MUST START NOW!

I got all dolled up. Hair, makeup, jewelry and the damned red dress. I borrowed this magnificent dress from a friend who graciously let me borrow it even though she never wore it. Brand new with tags and all. It didn't fit... Really?! After all my planning, it didn't fit. This put me in a full blown panic attack. I got cold and sweaty, got that white tunnel in my eyesight (If you know this, you know this!) and went to my knees. It was a short one because I had another only days before so I remembered to just breathe this time. After a panic attack, I usually am so tired all I want to do is sleep forever. That is the only place to have the calm that I crave. But, this time, I pushed through it because the last thing I want to do is disappoint my busy mother-of-three and oh-so-amazing friend, the photographer.

So, I turned in to a frantic, crying, inconsolable mess. Oh yes, so much better (insert my normal sarcasm here). My husband has sausage fingers so he couldn't even hook the clasp to hold the top of the dress up without zipping it up and as I explained, that was not going to happen. We couldn't find a pin ANYWHERE! Are you fucking kidding me?! I'm sure I will find at least a dozen today without even trying... But anyway, finally we just tucked the top in the back into my spanx. I love spanx...

Off I went and I DROVE in this state. I cannot believe Joe let me leave. I will have to talk to him about that later. More dangerous than a drunk. I picked up my friend and her son and off we went to the cemetery. Did I mention that I chose to do these "celebrate depression" pictures in a cemetery? Oh yes, you are now learning more about my humor....

My friends son is only 8. He has magic in him, this one! I went from manic, to sad, to smiling in just seconds with this little man around. I will write about him again later because this child gets me. He doesn't understand why I am who I am, but he knows when my twin is around and squashes her like the ugly bug she is. Amazing KID!

Long story short, the pictures are amazing. And Ms. Jenny Lawson, this is a gift for you, love.

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